To Give Blood

My mother's pain was palpable. She lived in a nursing home working on her last few days on earth. Only I didn't know. She didn't know. Her religious faith kept her stuck in the past and in false hopes. This faith led her to take her own life (in a way) as she refused a life-saving blood transfusion based on those beliefs.

The religion believed that Jehovah God would look at that life-saving act as a dishonoring of the biblical law to not take in blood. The Jehovah's Witnesses are the only ones who interpret the biblical passages like Acts 15:28-29 in that light. Countless lives have been lost over the years. It's not a religion that truly values life in the here and now. It's the future they look to; the Paradise on earth after the great Armageddon, the hope of immortality, or if one died, the hope of being resurrected to their paradise on earth.

I gave up my beliefs thirty some years ago. My mother held on even when she was not attending, even when she had her doubts. She still clung in her heart to the God that helped her through her bad marriage, helped her feel wanted, and to let go of her suicidal thoughts. This version of God's love was not unconditional and it came with a price. My mother's was a wholly unnecessary early death.

Over the years I've processed and grieved her death through writing and therapy but it wasn't until a year ago I decided I needed to donate blood. It came upon me one day that I needed to do the exact thing that the religion taught was the greatest violation of God's Will.

Even though I was nervous, I'd made the decision and so I went ahead and set up the blood donor appointment.

The night before my appointment I had a very vivid dream.

I'm in my small two door car – there's a snow covered hill in front of me. There is a young girl with me. I see I have to drive up this long drive or road to get to the top of the hill. As I begin, I say to the passenger, “We can do this. We can do this.” I'm so very determined. Some of the road is partially plowed with a few inches of snow on top but as I get going I realize halfway up the hill, that this part is not plowed and the snow is too deep for my little car to keep going. I get stuck and I wake to the feeling of defeat.

When I arrive to my appointment at the local church holding the blood drive - I'm surprised the uphill drive is not plowed. As I drive up the narrow drive I pause to allow a car coming down the right of way. I know this is not ideal as I need the momentum. Now I try to go and I simply slide around. Determined I think to myself, 'You can do this. Slow and steady.' After a few failed attempts I managed to make it up the drive.

I am a bit anxious and so I don't recall my dream at this time. I also realize this is a really big deal for me emotionally. As I sign in to confirm my appointment I start to cry. The staff member is very empathetic as I tell her why this very first blood donation is so important to me. She offers kind words. But also warns that today I might not be able to give a donation. She states that they will test my blood to see if I am a good candidate and even if I'm not, she offers to take a picture of me to share to my social media.

It turned out I was rejected as my iron count was too low to donate blood. I was very disappointed. I vowed I would work on their suggestions and come back. It was then I realized my dream and I told it to the nurse. I realize the dream had come true because even though I had great determination I was not going to get to the top of that hill - I was not going to give blood today.

The gift I received was a chance to see through my grief and process some emotions around this religion's view of the value of life. One day I will be able to give blood and perhaps this blood will help in saving a life.